Have You Been Yet? by Pam Fisher

But I kept my feelings secret until we were at the riverbank in the early afternoon and heard; "Pam I'm putting you in a canoe with me and Ben, then Peter and Rose can go on their own together," ON THEIR OWN! WHAT IS HE THINKING? My two 'babies' (23 and 25) heading off alone into that swirling maelstrom. My white panic striken face got the message across. See, Fisher's 'getting' me now; it's almost telepathy. Truth be told, he's seen me hysterical twice (NB: I Hate Bats entry, and I'm yet to publish Snake in the Tent) and he obviously couldn't cope a third time.

I felt sick with nerves. It's not like me. I love Africa with all my being, but sometimes it does test a girl.....

Before I knew it the seating-plan had been changed, I'd got my life-jacket on, paddle in hand, and with the Camp guys giggling we were pushed out onto the water, with Rose at the front and an out-board motor called Fisher at the stern.

Peter and Ben were already having Father/Son discussions, mainly regarding what was in the coolbox, and Rose and I were soon getting the hang of it and thought we were absolutely amazing until suddenly we were going nowhere. Fisher had stopped paddling!! Oh, so you actually have to put some effort in do you? "Fisher, why do you keep tapping the canoe with your paddle?" says Rose. "So the crocs and hippos know we are here and won't come up underneath us." WHY, OH WHY, DID SHE ASK? "PETER, BASH YOUR CANOE!" "Can't hear you Ma." Such a hilarious boy!

The crocs duly didn't 'bother' us, ("Mummy, stop wacking the canoe like a demented lunatic and paddle!") but we knew they were there...lurking. What look like logs basking on the river banks vanish within a second, into the Zambezi depths, taking their beady eyes and rows of razor sharp teeth with them. You will hear horror stories of croc attacks on the river. I'm not going to relate them here, but be assured, they are not Swallows and Amazons bedtime reading or Tales of the Riverbank. This river is full of hidden killers. It is not a place to mess about. You MUST listen to your Guide. No fingers or legs trailing in the water, no rocking the boat...and keep tapping regardless of what your children tell you!

Just as the sweat was running down my back, cocktail hour was upon us. Shame! But what could be better than pulling up

to a sandbar island

where the only footprints were ours plus hippo

and croc

and hearing the plink plonk of ice dropping into a vodka and tonic. There was even a slice of lime!

The sun started to go down...after three hours on the water it was time to go home. I was actually sorry and started to relax until a hippo launched itself out of the water, it's mouth open looking like the Gateway to Hell, massive canines shining in the setting sun before its jaws snapped together like the doors of Holloway Prison. (No, I don't know what they sound like but can well imagine). And then there's that noise they make. In past blogs I've said hippos at night sound as though they are telling each other the most hilarious jokes known only to....hippos. Well, when they are this b....y close the jokes are not funny!

The camp Boys met us at the river bank, as the sun was sinking fast

the canoes were loaded and we headed back to Camp. Never did a bucket shower feel so good.

Two Germans arrived in Camp...Siegfried was keen to go canoeing. So we went again. The next day. Christine was scared to death. Well, not literally but it was close at times with only stories of mid-river cocktails bringing her round. Seating plans were changed once more with Fisher guiding/propelling our new friends, Ben and Rose in another and me with son, Peter, bringing up the rear.

Today, the water was smooth and slick.

Ben and Rose

Dear reader, I don't want to crow but I was feeling like an expert by this time and we were doing very nicely until HE decided to stop paddling and go into dream mode. "You MUST keep up with us," shouted Fisher. "And watch out for that bush!" All my terrors came flooding back while my first-born giggled. "PETER, STOP B.....G ABOUT AND START B.....Y PADDLING!"

Catching up!

We stopped mid-river, tying our three canoes together creating a veritable cocktail bar.

Mixologist Peter

Christine was finally smiling whilst Sigfried looked as though he'd run a marathon. Bless! But, oh, it was utter bliss as we all had those, "we wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now" feelings.

This is the life!

Setting off once more I think we were all happily daydreaming as we slid soundlessly along.

And then we saw her. A lesser spotted...woman in a shower. In all her glory. Having a marvellous time. Full frontal, soap-a-go-go, eyes closed, in African bliss. Honestly, you couldn't make it up. I can see how it happened; husband makes camp placing your bucket shower with a view of paradise. So romantic. "Darling, why on earth would it need four sides; it's only the river out there. Look how beautiful it is and there are only beasties and birdies to see you?" NOT TONIGHT!! These seven canoeist's eyes were as wide as any bushbaby's and mouths as open as any hippos! But give that girl a medal...she just grabbed her little red towel and gave us a view of her other side!

Fisher was horrified. We were delighted. Beaching our canoes we headed up to the vehicles to find them turned into a playground. Those vervet monkeys will get into, and up to, absolutely everything! A tube of toothpaste (no, I don't know what it was doing there either) had obviously provided them with moments of sheer unadulterated ectasy and they scampered off with white moustaches!

Later, as we chatted around the fire Christine announced she wanted to, "spend the whole of next day canoeing". Sigfried had to lie down!

So what to wear canoeing along the Zambezi?

A thin long sleeved shirt (unless you are already tanned), hat, sunglasses, shorts, flip-flops. Take a kikoi or towel to cover your legs to avoid sunburn. Put suncream on at least half an hour before you start because you will sweat and sweat and sweat so you don't want it running into your eyes. I say a long sleeved shirt because life-jackets are probably one of the most uncomfortable things on the planet, especially in that heat, and you'll get red raw armpits if you are just wearing a vest. You will be provided with a dry-bag for cameras.

Have fun and do let me know how you get on.....

80 cars started the 13th Winter Trial Classic Car Rally battling through rain, sleet, wind, ice and snow driving some 1,900kms (1,800 miles). 38 of them were in the Club Class, including us. (The Trial Class is for die-hard nutters who seem to thrive on push-it-to-the-limit-stress and sleep depravation) One car retired. We came 30th! We are beyond over-joyed.

Our aims were: 1: to not get lost. Let me think a minute.... Nope, don't think we were ever actually LOST. I might not have known where we were on the route/map at all times but lost we were not and we only asked 'a local' once if we were headed in the right direction using pigeon-Czech-speak. 2: Best Dressed Team. Dear Reader, I tried honestly I did but it just became less and less of a priority as the days flashed by. I did co-ordinate as much as possible but dressing-up at night after 10-12 hrs on the road? No chance, and I only managed a candlelit bath once! Lipgloss was applied (by both of us at times...even when it was pink and sparkly!) mainly to prevent frostbite, and whoever invented the UGG boot should be knighted; I didn't have cold feet once.

In terms of preparation I think we did ok. Lots of yummies to munch on, flasks, hot water bottles, torch, tow rope, snow chains etc. We passed the scrutineering, which was our first box ticked. I am glad we were advised by experienced rally individuals, both before and during, not to bother with timings; I don't think we could have survived that mentally intact! But I do want to learn how and when to use our two stop watches (!!!)..that would certainly help us jump up the ratings. And I wish we could have taken more photos but there simply wasn't time. There are lots on www.thewintertrial.nl - the marshals view has some of the best!

We were lucky. We only came unstuck, well stuck actually, once on the Test Track. Others weren't so fortunate and we saw many a car slip into a ditch. Our pals in their Jag ended up stranded across a ditch when they hit a piece of ice; they were pulled out by a local farmer in his tractor!

There have been laughs galore. Stories of experts getting hopelessly lost in the forests of the Czech Republic, life-long friends not speaking apart from barking instructions, people face down in the snow pushing stuck cars and, yes, man-tears! My dear friend, Judith, had one of the best. In a mad dash at a Time Check she rushed to the Ladies. As time was of the essence, and 'someone' was taking an age, she banged on the door shouting, "Hurry Up"! Out came a red-faced man... As if that wasn't shock enough, as she flushed the cistern promptly fell on the floor. It wasn't her day!

But the TRUE STAR was the Car

Bianca...what a girl!

Is it possible to be emotional about a car? Well, those of you who know me won't be surprised. It's a weird one but there you have it. Now I think I understand why chaps get so attached to their motors.

So, Bianca is now basking in her glory. She's been washed and polished, and had her snow tyres removed by Steve at HiQ Tyres....

...and has been sitting outside today in the sunshine all sparkling and showing off her Winter Trial window sticker.

I'm sure it was beyond frustrating at times for her, being so experienced, but she never faltered, coughed or spluttered. Our White Goddess did us proud.

We truly didn't realise how hard it would be. How much energy, both physical and mental, it would take. But now we are living in a bubble of excitement. In our dreams, we hurtle around bends on snow covered tracks all night long and wake up feeling sort of bereft it's all over. Judith (one of pals in the Mark II Jag) and I have to chat every day as 'other people' simply don't understand; their eyes glazing over pretty fast as I prattle on and on and on.

As Elliott driving the 1935 Bentley Derby said, "After three months none of my pals wanted to know me any more because I had become a Rally bore. So I had to do another one just to have other bores to talk to!" Dear Reader...you heard it here first!

P.S. Team Fisher covered 2,800kms/1,700 miles in 7 days.

I've done the Winter Trial! And we won a prize!

There have been other rallys but never anything like this. All that snow and ice. I confess I've been a bit scared at times but didn't let it show. My driver had faith in me; "come on Bianca, you can do this girl", and was kind. He's only crunched my gears a few times and we missed that post by half an inch! My wheels have spun now and again but I've only had to be pushed twice (those Czech men are tough) and it wasn't my fault. If that Porsche 911 hadn't stopped halfway up that hill in the dark I'd have got up it no problem. That Timed Test in Col de Svaty Jan village on Thursday night was frustrating; that Porsche again, stuck up another hill. I had to wait 15 minutes for his driver to get his snow chains on before I could show him how it should be done!

We've seen some weird and wonderful things such as a chap and his ancient mutt walking along a forest road pulling a trolley holding a huge circular saw; truly Hitchcock. The smiling children were lovely, though it was pretty alarming when their parents blithely pulled them on sledges along the roads during our Timed Tests. I heard my Navigator shout, "get those children out of the b*****y way," a few times. Such a worrier!

I do have a bit of a leak in my floor, had trouble with my brake lights and my speedometer seems to be doing its own thing, but nothing else. Most nights I've been tucked up in a garage with lots of pals to chat to. Being left outside wasn't much fun; I always started first time but it took me a while to warm up in those -12 degrees early morning temperatures.

My navigator has squeaked a bit and I think I've heard her crying but she lovingly polished my lights every night and I could hear her fretting she couldn't give me a wash. She's hugged and stroked me a lot. I'm not used to that. I like it.

There were a few other Volvo Amazons. One a 1972 142 (younger than me!) was really naughty. Well, the team were Irish. They had a fire, failed electrics, bonnet coming up mid-Test, into the snow, driver almost run-over. It sounded hilarious...to me! Those Porche 911 are party animals but even they were exhausted settling down come midnight when only the most poorly cars were being tended to quietly by their concerned teams. Those pre-war open cars are made of stern stuff and boy, their stories would make your mudguards curl.

I was put on a transporter for the trip home. My driver came to pick me up on Monday. He was so pleased to see me again; I think I'm really one of the family now.

I wasn't looking my best:

I'm home now, back in my garage. The other cars want to know all about it. But first I'm going to be washed in warm water and rubbed all over with a soft cloth. Then they'll put my first Winter Trial sticker in my windows; my navigator will probably shed a tear.

I think I can hear the other two members of 'MY TEAM' planning the next rally. Bring it on!

We are in Austria and I'm raring to go. Almost too excited to eat breakfast. We've had a quick look at the route. At 0819 hrs precisely (18th to leave) I'm given pages and pages of route changes, Track Tests and Regulations all to be done before lunch and the chequered flag.

They no longer phase me. This is our last day. Where did the previous five go? On Tuesday I was dreading the rest of the week, didn't know how I would get through it physically and mentally. But now....Wow....Everyone is bouncing like Tigger this morning. Ben's warming up Bianca outside the hotel door and we are off. Forecast is for ice and fog so the chaps in their open Bentleys and Alvis are all wrapped up, heated vests plugged in, as it's snowing pretty hard.

Hot on the heels of a Top-on-Bentley

We have a long stretch on the motorway, which isn't much fun but gives me time to makes the changes to the route, plot the next Regularity and look at the Track Test; I'm better at my left and right hand hairpin warnings now! Passing logging trucks en route, we reach the first Time Check with time to spare and even manage a hot chocolate and espresso. A group of Navigators are grouped around Tomorrow Never Dies with furrowed brows. No longer in awe of their expertise and feeling 'like-a-girl', I join the group. There is laughter all round and off we go.

And I didn't get us lost; we found all the chapels and drove down tracks you wouldn't think a tractor would attempt.

If someone had told me a week ago we'd be doing this I would have had them certified as insane!

We see a covey of partridge blithely unawares of the buzzards overhead. Snowboarders and skiers, smoke pours from chimneys and children sledging with red noses. This is truly spectacular; I wish we had time to stop and stare.

The Faistenau Track Test was a big one. It seemed like we'd all turned up at once! There's something different in the air; everyone's smiling. And I've never seen so many men having a pee! Honestly, as soon as we are all in a line waiting to go through a Time Check these chaps all get their todgers out. I have wondered what they'd do if I went into the midst of them and 'do what women do' when desperate? At least it gives us few girls something to laugh about!

The light had gone flat. A red Porsche 911 came off the track and buried itself in the snow. The driver's out with his shovel. To avoid collision we plough into the same snow. They close the track. I'm thrilled and throw myself out of my door with camera in hand.

Porsche first then it's our turn!

They reopen the Track and we finish with a perfect STOP ASTRIDE. We want to do it again. Ben's CROSS. It's the first time he's come off the road.

So then it's a dash/chase to the finish at the magnificent Schloss Hellbrunn (where they filmed the Sound of Music's "I am 16 going on 17"!). We have two cars in front of us and we are all going as fast as **** off a shovel. Through the chequered flag, Winter Trial arch, up on Bianca's roof,

champagne in hand, photographers, tears, hugs and kisses all round. WE ARE TRIUMPHANT TO HAVE FINISHED.

We Made It!

We get chatting to other drivers who, until now, have been elusive largely down to their competitiveness. Topless-Alvis-Bill who is charm personified (and competes with his equally delightful son-in-law navigator) says, "Is it true you have never rallied before?". We replied in the affirmative saying we didn't buy Bianca until 11th December 2012. "F****g 'ell!" he shouts. "Are you mad? What possessed you? This is the hardest rally I've ever done and I've been doing it for bloody years." Others join in. We are beginning to feel a bit proud. Seems it was tough for everyone not just this wimpy girl and her ever-patient husband!

Tulip maps back to the hotel; Topless-Alvis-Bill comes along side at a junction and shouts to Ben,"will you swap navigators"? and promptly sets off in the opposite direction. I can't get my head around the fact it's over and am still shouting directions..."right after 1.23kms, left at next traffic lights." "Sweetheart, it's over," says my driver. I don't know whether to be elated or distraught. Just as I was getting the hang of it......

So, it's time for the Gala back at the Schloss. Black tie dress code. Ours is still hanging on our bedroom door back home. No matter. I do have my four inch heels, one frock, a fur collar and lipstick. What more does a girl need? We get on a bus. We navigators wonder if the driver knows the way.

Champagne, candlelight, flowers, people on stilts, hot and cold running waiters. Glorious. Screens with photos of cars in snow, off roads, spinning round corners. Photographers have been everywhere and were a comforting sight as they were obviously expecting you to come around that particular corner in the middle of bloody nowhere.

Speeches. Father and daughter team won the novice prize. Dear Reader; this 'family' were not speaking at the end of the rally. Serious issues must have gone on as there were no photos, fizz or celebrations when they came through the chequered flag.

WE GOT A PRIZE. All competitors were asked to vote for the Most Gentlemanly Team; the team which exhibited the True Spirit of Rallying. It was awarded to THE FISHERS. There must be other Fishers (Fischers) competing and we hadn't realised. NO, DEAR READER, IT WAS US. You can imagine the tears. I haven't won anything since I was six at my Primary School and I think that was a 'pity' prize. The elation was beyond anything imagineable.

"Everyone outside," shouts Bart, much to the dismay of 1972 Mercedes-280SE Peter, who loves his puddings! Soon we are cosy in aluminium 'blankets'..... (I have no idea who this man is!!)

as we head into the snow covered courtyard. In come the two winning cars spinning around an incredibly calm opera singer who is belting out "We are the Champions". Yes, it was kitch but what the hell. We were all so high on excitement by this time if Christiano Ronaldo had been doing keepy-uppy on the car roofs we wouldn't have been surprised.

Fireworks next light up the Austrian night-sky, plus more champagne, pudding (Peter's happy) and a band before at 2330hrs we stagger back to the buses. What on earth will we do tomorrow?

Struggled this morning. Tears of nervous trepidation at breakfast. Last night's solo pouring over maps hadn't helped; rather it seemed, in my mind, to heighten my stupidity.

not a Happy Thursday!

Fast forward 20kms to a frozen river, a bridge, a vertical route and a left and a right. Three cars, going in three directions. Seconds later we all meet back at the bridge and...set off in opposite directions. This is rallying. You might ask why we navigators don't get out and discuss the route. Dear reader, it is such a performance getting out of your straps and seat in a hurry without losing something vital such as a highlighter pen, compass etc. plus WE ARE ALL TURNING INTO COMPETITIVE MONSTERS!! One car even has our pals in it!

But it is during these moments of, let's call it uncertainty, when Ben's power of positive thought comes into play. I've learnt over the days that when he says, "it IS this way" he's often right. He is marvellous; never throws his hands up in despair when I'm competely and utterly bamboozled and have no clue which way to turn. He calmly extracts himself from his belts and looks at the map with me. This supposedly never happens with experienced teams. The driver drives and the navigator navigates. But even the most experienced get it wrong. When a champion navigator tells you he's gone 30kms up a main road in the wrong direction? Now that feels UTTERLY FANTASTIC!

And why do I keep getting in a flap when we reach a town? Finding tracks and tiny roads in little villages are not such a problem; it seems childhood geography lessons on ordinance survey paid off. And when we do the Regularities I'm pretty much on it. But put me in a town with turns as close together as 100metres and I totally lose the plot.

Result: I had a nightmare getting us through Velka Bites to reach Quantum of Solace. Ben had to stop mid-run. The navigator can't see the map if she's crying. Ben's sympathy and then, "ok, that's enough", did the trick....for ten minutes, until we had to stop to let two big fluffy carthorses being 'driven' by a man on a wooden cart across the track to his farm. I was so excited I couldn't get the camera to work and then spent another five minutes wailing. Dear reader; it was obviously one of those days. Then...Ben pointed out all the mistletoe up in the trees. WHAT THE ****?

However, that was it. After that I was on a roll. 'Pulled myself together' as they say and we headed off to OCTOPUSSY with me confident I'd got the route plotted en route. It was a breeze and we are in Austria.

A Happy Driver!

WE GET TO LUNCH but those liver meatballs are not for me. I have two slurps of tea and we are off again. No time to mess about. I don't even have much chance to comfort Judith who has hit that same wall of emotion as mine earlier.

Back in Czech Republic and Moidrams was a tricky little b****r. It read:"This is a Navigation Section which consists of a series of Passage Controls that will be checked using Code Boards and Cartrackers. Time allowed is relatively relaxed to the emphasis is on accurate navigation." Well, we made a right b***s of it only finding 2 out of a possible 9. No matter (I seem to be saying that a lot), as we pulled up to the Jilovice (Vehicle Club) in the pitch black, with an umpa band, crowd of locals, camera crews etc. and it's smiles all round. It's a fascinating spot this, in the middle of nowhere. Vintage cars, motorbikes on show and everyone's drinking beer except us. On reflection, I don't think we looked hard enough as I'm convinced we went the correct route but when the navigator hasn't looked through the windscreen for half an hour because she is staring down through her b****y potty lamp at the map and the driver is boggle-eyed looking straight ahead so we don't end up off the road I'm not surprised we didn't see stupid b****y letters hanging from posts! (Have you noticed the marked increase in bad language?)

Still, we finished on a high that night. After the start it was nothing short of a miracle we finished the day. Buffet dinner with fish glorious fish. My young Dutch friend and I hit the smoked salmon like vultures. Judith didn't make it; I feel her pain.

Ben comes back from the bar where he'd heard a good story: car waiting to start Track Test. Driver asks navigator which way. Navigator says nothing just gives him 'a look' and takes two very deep puffs on his asthma inhaler!

Wednesday: Flasks and hotwater bottle filled, bacon sandwiches stowed away and we are off to Brno. Some readers will remember our little terrier, Bruno, so I saw this as a good sign! One of the gigantic Dutch chaps (why are so many Dutch men massive?) tells me, as we are waiting to get our time checks stamped, "I know Brno; my rifles all come from there." Oh, right then, that's great. If all else fails we'll just head to the gun factory and hope he turns up!

We are one of the first to leave. First challenge after a mere 33kms is at the Autodrom Vyskoke Myto. Ben gets pretty wild approaching a hairpin and I can't remember my right hand from my left. Then there's STOP ASTRIDE when your front tyres have to be over a line and your back tyres not. Easy? Not when you are whizzing around at speed on thick ice and applying the brakes is something of an issue!

Various other Time Controls and Regularities happen in the morning. The Living Daylights had these instructions: Using only yellow roads, depart SW from RSM 5.2 (at ! sign), then go to RP 5.2 passing through 4 chapel symbols. Note that you pass through a symbol if it breaks one or both of the black lines along the side of the marked road, and that you must pass through exactly 4 symbols - no fewer and no more. Yes, dear Reader. It's Chinese. Truth be told, we did pretty well at that one from a 'going-in-the-right-direction' point of view. However, and it's a big however, you are supposed to do this at varying laid down speeds e.g. 50kph for 8.80km, 35kph for 1.30km. As Bianca's speedometer doesn't function quite as it should we had no chance. No matter, we had fun hurtling around farm tracks looking for churchs; sorry chapels. Yes, there is a difference.

Church Czech Republic

So we are still in the Czech Republic and I find it fascinating. We noticed speakers on a church and wondered if it was a mosque until we spied them on lamp posts too; obviously they are evidence of the Communist era. I'm sure it wasn't a cheery "Good Morning Campers" waking the local inhabitants up each morning aren't you? Our pal, John, said he wound down his window in one village in an attempt to ask, "Where the **** are we?" and the man ran away. It seems that the older locals are still extremely wary of anyone displaying any sign of wealth. And Bill, driving an open Alvis (and hereafter called Topless-Alvis-Bill) told me they had been held at gunpoint at 1am during a Night Trial by a mad-crazed villager during a Winter Trial a couple of years ago. The police knew him (the gunman, not Bill) of old, but it still took two hours for them to talk him out of blowing them to smithereens.

We had no such dramas though I did see a man butchering a grey-furred creature outside his house. Was it a donkey, a wolf (one lovely chap told me he'd seen a "massive wolf" but he is navigating in an open Bentley so clearly has had the rational part of his brain removed and hence unreliable as a storyteller), or a deer?

It's been a long day with seven Track Tests/Regularities to complete. By the time we get to Diamonds Are Forever it's pitch black so off come Bianca's spotlight covers and the snow shines brightly. She blows her horn at two deer standing in our way. Dear Reader, this is the life!

We finish up at the Holiday Inn. It's wonderful; a porter got us a trolley for our luggage (you have no idea what a joy that is at the end of 10 hrs on the road). Without exception staff are helpful beyond belief, speaking English and have brought me a kettle for early morning (6am) cups of tea, filling of flasks and hot water bottle; I know I'm repeating myself but, honestly, without these I don't think I could get through the days!

I left supper early and spent an hour pouring over the route trying beyond trying to get it into my tired grey matter...we'll see if it worked tomorrow!

Today is Tuesday. I think.

Dear reader; We have risen to 12th from the bottom; I was literally hopping with excitement after last night's boiled (these Germans do like to COOK their meat) venison, when the results got posted.

Loving Bianca at 7.30am this morning

Thank God we aren't in this!

We were 4th off the grid at 8.04 precisely. And that means I have to get my timesheet stamped, pick up the GPS thing so they can find us at all times (apparently) and leap back into Bianca, get my four belts done up tight, get the map, route map and potty lamp out and find my glasses, and a pen, and a highlighter, and put lip gloss on! Then Ben says, "where are we going?". It didn't start well today and by lunchtime (which we made on time I will have you know), I was feeling a bit teary and battered as the map had clearly been drawn by a moron. A big smiling Dutchman took me to one side in the carpark and said, "You do realise this one of the top ten Rallys in terms of difficulty world-wide. This is Tough Man." I am a girl, and was being a bit girlie but he did make me feel better and MAN UP so to speak.

We followed a lovely young Dutch couple, he a mechanical engineer, she an elementary school teacher (they look so young!) in their Lotus Super Seven SIII on a Regularity Trial through the forest. We caught up with them and were happily in convoy when they came off the road right in front of us. Their car was only stopped by a tree. They were lucky. If the tree hadn't been there they would have disappeared over the side of an incredibly steep wooded hillside. They were very brave and fine apart from bruising and the wife's obvious shock. It highlighted the fact that though this is fun it is also dangerous. We have seen some crazy driving by Boys in their Toys but Bianca catches up with those Porche 911's when it comes to snow packed tracks. (Yesterday it was a red Porsche 911 that gently skipped off the edge of the road. He was pulled back up again by the Crew and carried on.)

Tonight's hotel is in the Czech Republic. What a country. We have seen beauty beyond belief; forests Santa must surely live in, little tiny wooden chalets with smoke pouring from chimneys, boys playing ice hockey on frozen ponds, people just going out for a stroll even though it is ungodly minus something centigrade, children waving with pink cheeks aglow and old boys with long white beards (told you it was Santa land).

Winter Wonderland

On the other hand; factories galore, chimney's billowing smoke, deserted buildings, hideous blocks of flats.

We are on a learning curve I believe possibly like no other either of us have experienced. We saw a Chinese navigator with a google map print-out of the Trial areas and some special measure so he can tell his driver to the metre when the next turn is coming. There are professional navigators here. Yes, being paid not to get lost. HOW BLOODY MAD IS THAT!!!

I am skipping dinner. No more boiled-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life meat for me. Got my vodka and tonic, route map to study then a good thriller.....

We came 4th from bottom yesterday. We were elated not to be last. That was our aim.

We had a pretty good day. It is much much much much more difficult than I thought. The Driving Tests, when Ben flings poor Bianca around cones, hairpins etc on disused racetracks, are enormous fun as it is quite tricky to go the wrong way unless your navigator is in tears of hilarity or terror! I've got that under control now.

Navigator!

Regularities, however, are a different beast altogether. They give you an ordinance survey map printout with points, A, B, C etc marked on it. Then you have to drive to them in certain orders. If you get it wrong you get penalty points. These maps don't have many land markings apart from the odd tiny church or shrine. It's a nightmare. I would give you an example but realise it would bore you rigid; you have to be here, so to speak.

However, we have seen some spectacular scenery.....

Middle of Nowhere in Czech Republic

....and did get "a wriggle on" although snowploughs do get in the bloody way!!

It's extraordinary how my emotions flip from elation to finding some obscure village on a 'white road' (cart track to any sane person) to utter despair when I realise I have absolutely no clue where I have led Bianca and Ben; that I may never see our children again, never shop in Waitrose again, kiss my Mum or eat caviar (the last once was for effect; not a massive fan of the old fish eggs unless with bilinis and fizz). You can see how things blow out of proportion can't you.

Still, we had our flasks of tea, bacon and egg rolls from breakfast, Czech Rep. Snickers bars and Halls menthol sweets. So all was well in the end. And I can't tell you how much I love Bianca. She is a Goddess!

Early start. tunnel train late. Car broken down.. Not ours. Met four chaps going to rugby in Lille. And three lovely young chaps; two from Sheffield, one Welsh (we can't all be perfect) going to Courcheval snow boarding. They asked if we had sleeping bags (hilarious!) and did we know Bianca's "wiggles and piggles". NOW THAT IS ONE BRILLIANT EXPRESSION!!

Long way to hotel...8 hours driving. We park Bianca after some snow removal. I am worried about her being outside. Hotel is candlelit. Everyone seems full of 'it' though I don't know what 'it' is. I am scared to death. Four glasses of fizz, hot bath. See you in the morning.

Roadbook

Right now this bright orange folder is the most important thing in my possession! It clashes with my outfit but...never mind. We got to the start. Everyone looks as though they know what they are doing. I pretend! Ben does the same.

There had been a fire. We didn't know we had to follow the orange arrows. Drove down a cycle lane. Stopped by cross policeman (very nice uniform). Drove along canal. Looked like scene from The Killing. Where was Lund?

I don't remember much about the day. It passed in a blur of high emotion, terror, tears. We did one of these timed trial things around bollards and trees on an airfield. THEY HADN'T CLEARED THE SNOW OR ICE. At one point I was laughing so hard I couldn't see the instructions. Driver frustrated but, OMG, he was amazing!

We stopped for hot chocolate at another timed spot. WE WERE BLOODY EARLY. Can you believe it. We had to hang around before we clocked in. I was well chuffed! Did we have lunch? Oh yes. We didn't have more than a quick inhale of broth. One of the female crew actually gave me a hug;
I obviously looked on point of meltdown.

Did timed trials of things called Moonraker, On Her Majesty's Secret Service etc. My Daniel Craig did very well but at times I longed for the ejector button to send me to Mars! I reckon he would have liked to send me to Mars.

READER: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

We went through forests. Snow, ice, pretty if you had time to look. Car on side in ditch x 2. Not ours!!! Made it through. MY GOD WE WERE PROUD.

Got to the Rat House in Ratsbrauhaus. Prettier than it sounds. NOW IT'S DARK. Had enough. Garmin to hotel. Hot bath calling but bar shouts louder. Another novice navigator tells me he's had no problems all day but then I discover his driver is a Professional World Class Rally Driver. I no longer feel useless. Two charming Dutch chaps smile, chink glasses and tell me we were sensible to quit in the dark as "it's bloody tricky". NOW I CAN SLEEP TIGHT!

As bond would say....TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY